A caregiver’s loneliness is about more than being alone, Part 1

The men in my small group began our first January meeting by telling about their holidays. One fellow spoke with downcast eyes about this first Christmas without his wife of many decades who had died last February. “I’m doing pretty well,” he said, and his voice broke. “But the evenings . . . the evenings are long, and I can be so lonely.”

His confession led me to reflect on the loneliness I sometimes feel. There’s the loneliness that comes with being alone, which I think my friend is experiencing. But there’s also the loneliness that can come even when you’re not alone, and I realize I sometimes struggle with that variety.

I’m thinking about both kinds of loneliness with this post and another that will appear next Wednesday.  Perhaps you’ll relate, because these days loneliness is a widespread problem.

A simple Google search will lead to dozens of articles documenting the loneliness epidemic in the U.S.—and around the world. Japan, for example, appointed its first Minister of Loneliness in 2021. Even after the pandemic isolation has largely lifted, the loneliness persists. One study says that more than half (58 percent) of adults in the U.S. are lonely. And this is a physical as well as an emotional problem. One report claims loneliness damages health as much as smoking 15 packs of cigarettes a day!

Not alone

A second Google search will produce a long list of posts with ideas for combatting loneliness. I found a list of six suggestions offered by Caring Bridge and was pleased to see how I’m following them.

1. Spend time with those who love you. Here’s my tally for last week: One lunch with a local friend. One long phone call with a lifetime friend who lives out of state. Happy interacting with three ladies who each spent part of a different day with Evelyn. Breakfast with the guys in that small group I mentioned above. Dinner with two other couples at our house Saturday night. Happy chatter and meaningful sharing with many at church on Sunday.

2. Spend time with your community by volunteering. One of our visitors comes every Friday so I can leave home to go check in guests at the Healing Center, a Cincinnati ministry to under-resourced families.

3. Find a support group. Mine convenes every Wednesday at 10 a.m. with the chance to compare experiences with several other caregivers from across the country. Zoom has never been put to better use. Thank God for HFC, which provides the trained facilitators for groups like this one.

4. Be open to kindness from others. At first, I balked when a caregiver said she’d do laundry or wash dishes while she was at our house. At first, I felt a little embarrassed when friends brought us food. I’m getting over it. They offer because they want to help. I’m learning to squelch the pride that would claim I don’t need it.

5. Look for external resources. I have a stack of books—mostly unread, I’ll confess, but a couple have really helped me so far. And yet another Google search pointed me to several pieces focusing on the unique loneliness caregivers can experience.

6. Start a Caring Bridge site. I haven’t done that one, but interacting with readers of this blog achieves much of the same benefit. Readers write or comment on Facebook every week with their messages of concern and promises to pray. And more than one has said, “We enjoy reading so we know how to pray for you.”

So, am I lonely? Not usually, I’ve decided. Not often. And I realize I don’t dread time alone; in fact, I usually look forward to it. I’m pleased, for example, with the chance to sit alone at Panera and finish this blog post.

But as I said to start, all this addresses only one kind of loneliness. The second kind, the loneliness that comes even though you’re not alone, is more difficult to deal with. That will be the subject of next week’s post.

Photo by Fug4s at iStockphoto.com